Why I Don't Want Prince Charming (And Neither Should You)

No, I'm not here about to tell you that Prince Charming doesn't exist. That's a big load of bullshit conjured up by bullshit guys who want you to think you can't do better than them. Oh no, Prince Charming exists. Not only am I sure he exists, I'm relatively sure there are thousands of men who can qualify for the Prince Charming label in any given generation. That's not the point. The point is that you're not a fucking princess.

And by princess here I don't mean prissy and fussy. I mean classy, charismatic, cultured, etc. I'm pretty sure you are not on Prince Charming's level in any of these facets, and if you do match up with one or two, there are probably some other big gaps in your Princess Charming qualities because you're a goddamn normal person and that's how it is.

You are not beautiful and unique in your own snowflake way. Your kindergarten teacher lied to you just like she lied about the class hamster Mr. Scoots going to live on a nice farm. The things that make you interesting to some people are also the things that make you intolerable to others. There is no one on earth who thinks all your weird little quirks are on the awesome side of the lameness spectrum, there are only people to whom the lame quirks are tolerable and/or unimportant. When compared to Prince Charming, who is the classiest of class acts, your lame quirks are going to look a lot less tolerable and a lot more important. And when this happens, one of you is going to get pissed. Most likely, it will be you.

Yes, you. Why? Because Prince Charming is a reasonable person, odds are good he's not going to insert his head up in his ass and start nitpicking at you for not being good enough for him. If you really get under his skin, he will probably be decent and leave. And if you don't get under his skin, his acceptance of your issues will get under yours. When he doesn't notice that he's out of your league, you will, and it's going to bug the crap out of you. Every time he takes the high road, you get a little more angry, sneaky-hate-spiral type angry. You don't realize it's making you angry until one day he goes and does something awesome and you just hate it.

Because when you're surrounded by people who do things better than you, it makes you realize all the ways in which you should be better, but aren't. It makes you feel bad about yourself, and that can make you resentful. You most likely won't understand why you can't just be happy with a good thing, and that will make you feel worse. That's why, when a normal guy surprises you with breakfast, it's okay that he follows up by whacking you in the shins to see how long it takes before you kick him. That's what makes you feel okay when you do something ridiculous that afternoon. It's all balance. If he surprised you with breakfast and then did the dishes and didn't do anything weird up until you left the house with your pants on backwards later that day, then you're the loser in the relationship. No one wants to be that person, so being made that person by comparison to someone amazing hurts.

And if you don't feel that way, you're a jerk and you don't deserve Prince Charming. So there.