youwillgetnothingandlikeit

I've been sick for about five weeks now, and I can't help but wonder if this was kicked off by my near-drowning in two foot deep water. Maybe there's sand in my lungs or something. Maybe there's a thin crust of salt and minerals. Maybe there's a little tree in there and pretty soon I will have to move into a giant pot of soil to keep breathing. Either way it sucks lots and lots, primarily because I've had to start ranking my responsibilities from most to least important and cutting things off the bottom first to preserve my precious energy. What gets put at the bottom are all the things I want to do, the middle are things I maybe don't want to do but will be in trouble if I don't do, and the top are things I cannot get away with not doing.

So far I have taken off the entire bottom of this list with several deep chunks taken out of the middle, which are now causing me issues. The really disheartening thing is that my boss/professors frequently overrate the importance of the tasks they give me, which lead to weekends like this last one where I spent eight hours at work in which I did absolutely nothing because I was given the wrong event times. I spent another four hours running errands for my RIO to meet a deadline that it turned out did not actually exist. The end result of this was having to skip out early on a friend's birthday dinner and skip the Honolulu AIDS Walk entirely, which you may remember I have been excitedly planning for over two months. Even after explaining to several people that I needed to do as little as possible in the days leading up to the walk so I would not relapse again in the meantime, I was ladened with unnecessary BS and ended up falling into a nasty bout of bronchitis the night before the walk. I spent the day of the walk sleeping, coughing, and being extremely sad. (and if the person who asked me to run the RIO errands reads this, I am not blaming you, you didn't know what it would entail-- I'm blaming the ridiculousness of the offices involved, those asshats)

Unfortunately the extremely high expectations of my boss and the dependence of my RIO on me to take care of everything have meant that, more often than not, my classes have to be the thing that gets cut so I can rest between other crap I have to do. This means that, despite doctor's notes and a letter from the disability office at my uni explaining my recurring illness, a couple of my profs are more than willing to ignore an entire semester's worth of good work, good attendance, and general good studentness for a handful of what should be 100% excused absences over the last two weeks. As it also turns out, my uni does not require profs to make attendance exceptions for medical leave even if you're registered with the disability office for it, with the explanation that if you're not "healthy enough" to be a student then you don't deserve to pass. Though I'm not in danger of failing anything, it's pretty upsetting to spend three months busting ass and then in two weeks suddenly drop a full letter even though I didn't miss any actual work. I could have just screwed around those three months to the same effect. It's like when you're playing Scrabble and you're winning due to your excellent vocabulary and strategic skills, then right at the end of the game the other jerk plays "quetexz" or some shit on a triple letter space after spending the whole game time prior to that playing three letter words, texting, and watching Spongebob on the TV behind you. Maybe it fits the rules and all but to say that your mouth-breathing opponent is the better player isn't really fair.

So I went from having a serious case of the notgivingafucks about how this semester went to feeling completely cheated that my careful work to make sure I still maintained GOOD grades is now ruined. I could've followed my heart and just fucked off completely, but no, I decided to be good and responsible, which I should know by now never works out for me. The day I don't have lunch so I can get somewhere on time? Everyone else will be late. The day I stay up late to make sure all my homework is done? They won't collect it that day in class. If I come in early to help with something? It will already be done. Being responsible never seems to actually benefit anyone, and in fact it usually works out to my disadvantage. So I scrapped being nice last year, I think this year I'm going to scrap being responsible. This should work well.