Piggybean

Check out my newest impulse buy. I have dubbed him Piggybean.

Piiiiggybean, Piiiiiiiiggybean, looks like a piggy and a bean




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone because I am a consumer whore.

Who put the goat in there?

Okay I mentioned India to Layne and he reminded me of this video, which I felt I had to share. I have no idea what's actually going on but the dancing is hysterical. At the same time I feel like I can't laugh because it also looks pretty difficult. Anyway, it has subtitles that say what it sounds like they would be singing if they were singing in English. Hilarity ensues.



I actually really want to know what this is from and what they're saying, it looks fascinating. And a little bizarre.

Gateway House is the new Free Store

A few weeks ago a group of skinny white guys rolled up in a van and stole all the couches out of the lobby of my dorm. In broad daylight & with the RAs present, who got photos of them and their license plate numbers. We later saw them being chased around campus by security, but we have yet to get the couches back.

Then last night we saw (well, I missed it because I was in the shower, to my endless disappointment) a guy stealing a bike. Oh I'm sorry, did I say stealing a bike? Because I meant being a goddam ignoramus. This slick joker was at the bike racks directly below ALL the windows in one tower of Gateway trying to hacksaw a u-lock. I don't think I have to explain why this is one of the dumbest things anyone will ever see, but there are a few things that make it extra special: For starters, you can hear what goes on around the racks in every room in this side of the building, which houses upwards of 100 people. It was late, meaning not only was everyone home, it was quiet hours in the dorms.

And my favorite part of this whole equation? Most of the bikes out there don't have good locks like that one did. Even the nicer bikes mostly have crappy cable locks, the kind you can take off with pretty much anything sharp that you could find in a tool box. If this maroon had invested in a pair of bolt cutters he could have probably absconded with two or three bikes before anyone noticed.

Instead, he tried to hacksaw a u-lock. So some time after midnight, the entire Ewa tower of Gateway House was serenaded with the scrsh-scrsh-scrsh sounds of saw-on-tough-ass-bike-lock.

Don got up and yelled "HO, WHATCHU STAY DOING?" out the window. There was a short silence... Then faster, scrshscrshscrshscrshscrsh. After a minute he took off, just before campus security rolled up. I was mad that Don yelled at him because I wanted to go down and sneak up on him. Oh well.

With this caliber of criminal, I'm questioning the necessity of a police department. We should just phase it out and use the money to end Furlough Fridays and buy me a shiny new bat. I'm pretty positive I could personally take care of this problem with a shiny bat. They'll call me the Bear Haole.

Love the 'Stache

I have a fever, and the only cure is more 'stache.

Not your style, you say?

Well, how about these?

Spring is so last season

...


*ssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipp*


-Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone because I am a consumer whore.

Was it an African octopus or a European octopus?

Look at this. This shit is bananas.

Octopi have been found to carry around coconuts to hide inside them. Apparently that's part of how they used to catch them around here-- coconut shell on a string.

Our biggest import is fat white tourists

This makes the smiles.

Oh SNAP

Okay okay so I have a class with a bunch of the UH football players, right? They were traveling last week so the two guys I know needed to copy some of my notes and I was supposed to meet them so they could make the copies tonight. We met at the library and I cracked some jokes about the game last night and they got pissed and PICKED ME UP and were telling me to say that again or whatever. But then they fumbled me so I got away.

Just kidding, they didn't do that. They're great guys. Seriously though, Denver Broncos.

Lizard kitten

There is a wee baby gecko that has taken up residence on my window sill. He's been there for days now. At first I thought it was awesome because I thought he was eating the tiny flies that come in my window at night sometimes but after more observation he seems to just like stalking them. He acts like a cat and will crouch close to the ground and creeep up on one super slow but then just stare at it. If one walks near him he'll step away from it like he's all surprised and offended. I'm not sure what he's eating, but anyway we named him Little Dude and he's my new pet. One of these days I'll try to get some photos of the hilarious bugger as he stares incredulously at his dinner.

Which one of you preppies put gold dust in my fencing mask

If you don't laugh at this you have no soul.

Oh Facebook

I love you. You make these things possible. And you make it so easy to stalk spy on snoop about meet new people on campus.

In other news, cover your internet tracks people. You might not want everyone to see photos of you in your underwear playing a snare drum. I didn't want to see photos of you in your underwear playing the snare drum. But now I have. Thanks a lot.

Philosophy

Dear Internets,

Today in class I referred to the Platonic form of a chair as a "knee-bending, ass-resting thing" in a discussion about realism and nominalism.

That is all.

OF ALL TIME

I suggest checking out Under Arcturus through this nifty lens.

Stuff White People Like

Okay, I have a proposal for two additions to the list of Stuff White People Like... Which, by the way, got me again with the addition of "Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy." Touché, Mr. Lander. Maybe one day you will convince me that I am white and not Caucasian but that day is not today.

Anyway, Stuff White People Like.

#129 - Wooing. No I don't mean making the ladies swoon, I mean yelling WOOOOOO. After much careful observation I have concluded that only white people woo, and that it is always completely douchebaggy. The two favored places to woo are in a large group of moving people and in a large group of people moving in a car. Apparently being in a "fun" place makes white people much more likely to woo, as I have probably heard five thousand god damn woos from white people over the last three weeks since my bedroom window faces both the main dorm walk and the main street on campus, meaning that every group of moving people going woo as well as every car full of people going woo can conveniently be heard clearly in my effing room. Apparently other people are getting tired of this, too, because today after a few walkway woos another girl on the floor above me yelled SHUT THE HELL UP out her window. The worst times for wooing are definitely on Friday and Saturday nights, as the number of alcoholic drinks a white person has consumed has a direct relationship with how many woos they will throw out in an hour.

#130 - Blasting Hip Hop. This goes somewhat hand in hand with #116 - Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to Anymore except that these are the white people that do listen to “Commercial Hip Hop” which I guess could land them in the category of the Wrong Kind of White People. The deal isn't that they listen to hip hop, however, it's that they play it as loudly as humanly possible with the bass turned up so high that my room shakes when they drive by on Dole St. These white people don't seem to actually really listen to or enjoy hip hop, they just pick a few tracks to play extremely loudly in the hopes that it will make them look cool to everyone who can hear it. They seem oblivious to the fact that it actually makes us want to punch them in the nose.

If that wasn't annoying enough, there are about half a dozen particular songs that some group of white people really, really like somewhere in the vicinity of my room. I've never been able to tell where it's coming from, but every day the same five or so songs are played in a loop so loudly that I can hear them in bed with the fan on over the traffic noise even though I think the person playing it is actually in the building next door. On top of that I can't actually hear the song for real, just the bass (in the case of cars) or the drum machine (in the case of my wanker neighbor).

But the thing that is about to make me snap and FIND this guy is one song in particular that he normally plays in the morning while I'm sleeping and at night while I'm trying to work has a track in the chorus of some kind of small child babbling out of tune with the music that for some reason is as loud as the drum machine. So I hear DOON DOON CHCKA DOON DOON CHCKA BLAHBLAH DOON BLEE DOON BLOOBLAH BLAH CHCKA. One weird habit my brain has is partially waking up in the late morning and convincing me that something I'm dreaming about actually happened*. It doesn't tell me OH PSYCH THAT WAS A DREAM GIRL for at least a few hours. On the mornings I get to sleep in that babbling somehow gets into my head while I'm half-awake, so three days out of the week I spend 7am-9am half-dreaming that I am interacting with a lost child and/or have to get my own kids ready for school. To say I wake up confused would be the understatement of the century. I am pretty sure this is going to drive me to madness. I guess the reason he's playing it so loud is because that babbling has caused him to go insane such that he thinks playing the same five songs over and over so loudly that he's causing himself hearing damage is a good idea.



*This is one reason I avoid zombie movies. If I watch one I am probably 98% likely to dream about it all night, and for the first thirty or so minutes after I wake up I am pretty positive that I need to get to a mall fast.

Haole is the new gringo

To everyone who told me that I would not be a minority here: YOU WERE WRONG. I am the only white person around like 90% of the time and it is extremely awesome.

To everyone who told me that I cannot use the word "haole" casually: YOU WERE ALSO WRONG. All the haole do it and it's awesome. We're bringing haole back (YEAH) them other gaijin don't know how to act (YEAH) TAKE IT TO THE BEEEAAACH.

That was Justin Timberlake, guys. Honky Extraordinaire.

This is awesome because it means that I now have the perfect replacement in other songs words I am not allowed to say. Case in point, Black Eyed Peas:

Haole gon hate on us (WHO)
Haole be en-vi-ous (WHO)
I know why they hate on us (WHY)
'Cause we so fab-u-lous (WHAT)
Imma be real on us (C'MON)
Nobody got nothin on us (NO)
Girls be all on us
From the mainland back down to the US(S ARIZONA)

Okay maybe that was a little much, but you get the idea. Kudos to the one person who may or may not actually get these stupid pop music jokes.

Today is my birthday